Movies That Suck: The Piano

ThePiano

This dreary little film about a guy from New Zealand (a missionary, I guess) who (literally) takes a weird mute woman as his wife starts out with Holly Hunter as the piano-playing mute and Sam Neill as her asshole husband.

Holly is left for days (weeks? who knows?) on end in the couple’s cabin in the woods, where half-dressed native people do … work for them. Maybe. It’s not quite clear, actually.

Holly has a kid who likes to prance around in the forest, wearing angel wings.

Meanwhile, Holly tries to teach Harvey Keitel (an alleged illiterate native — a bit of a stretch for ole’ Harvey, if you ask me) to play the piano. Her piano is her sole way of expressing herself, in ways that her asshole husband can’t seem to fathom. However, Harvey it seems is less into learning piano than in “doing things” to himself, as I recall, as Holly plays the piano.

Without revealing spoilers, I will only say:

1) why on earth would anyone want to film Keitel in a full frontal nude scene? (Have I mentioned that this isn’t a horror movie?); and

2) how would an illiterate native be able to write a love note on a piano key?

Alas, we are given no answers to these questions.

And yet the movie went on to win all kinds of movie awards, most likely because Jane Campion directed it. Thus proving that women are as capable of directing bad movies as men.

I give this no stars, but instead one head ‘splode.

HeadSplode2

Advertisements
This entry was posted in Bad Movies and tagged . Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s